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July 10th, 2009

Current Music: Down to Earth (Peter Gabriel) Time: 10:08 pm Current Mood: surprised

chococynic just got engaged -- woo!! -- making hers the third engagement among my friends recently. daedreambelievr led the pack at the tail end of May; lefthanded called me about four weeks ago to let me know he and Ava are tying the knot as well. It's a little insane to me that this is happening. I guess everyone reaches the point in their life where most of their friends are engaged or married, but . . . I don't know, I guess I always figured it wouldn't be now. How do you even decide to get married?? Daniel and Ava will have been together for seven years this November, so I guess at that point you can safely say you've been through enough and know all each other's ins and outs. But Amanda and Jess have been seeing their respective boys for . . . a year? (Apologies, ladies, if I've bungled the timing.) Not terrifically long, in any case. I mean, I've been in love, head over heels, the whole nine yards. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had girly fantasies of weddings and babies and such. I very much want to be married and have kids. It's the whole . . . getting there part that I have trouble with. At some point you have to make a decision that the person you're with will be the one person who won't bore you and will always love you and will be your partner in crime FOREVER. Forever! That's such an immense decision! Maybe if I believed in reincarnation or the afterlife or something, then a decision that bound me to someone for the rest of my life wouldn't freak me out so badly. But I don't. Also, I think I always thought that by the time I reached "marriage age," I would be . . . grown up? A better person? Like, that the Marissa who was old enough to be engaged would also be the Marissa who always returned her library books on time, and scheduled her dental appointments six months in advance, and didn't wait till the night before to do her taxes. I guess, in short, I thought I'd be more like Mom. But I'm not! I'm still the same silly, irresponsible girl I've always been! How can I be old enough to get married?!? Now does everyone understand why this all freaks me the fuck out??

comments: 13 blooms or plant a seed

June 30th, 2009

Current Music: Magic View (Diane Birch) Time: 08:13 am Current Mood: calm

Barter by Sara Teasdale first collected in 1917 Life has loveliness to sell, All beautiful and splendid things, Blue waves whitened on a cliff, Soaring fire that sways and sings, And children's faces looking up, Holding wonder like a cup. Life has loveliness to sell, Music like the curve of gold, Scent of pine trees in the rain, Eyes that love you, arms that hold, And for your spirit's still delight, Holy thoughts that star the night. Spend all you have for loveliness, Buy it and never count the cost; For one white singing hour of peace Count many a year of strife well lost, And for a breath of ecstasy Give all you have been, or could be.

comments: plant a seed

June 19th, 2009

Current Music: Sir Duke (Stevie Wonder) Time: 09:02 pm Current Mood: full

flamingophoenix linked me to a Carolyn Hax piece, and I got to reading some back columns, and I found one about a quasi-dysfunctional older/younger sister relationship. What occurred to me as I was reading it was how duckslikerain and I couldn't be less like these sisters. To summarize, the letter is about an older sister who's constantly telling the younger, "Just wait till . . ." whatever, such-and-such, this-and-that. And the younger is understandably fed up. Maybe it's because I'm a late bloomer, and Bri is more normal; maybe it's just that we respect each other's opinions enormously, but if either of us ever needs to say something that starts with, "I've had this experience that you haven't had, so I have a slightly better perspective" (and frankly, it happens with about equal frequency on either side of our relationship) we always preface that with, "Not to be one of those condescending jerks who's all 'you don't understand,' you know that's not what I mean, I just want to tell you . . . ." And we make sure the other is clear before we start in on the topic. The short version: we treat each other as equals. Period. Age dictating who's the giver of advice and who's the recipient -- maybe that's why some people find it hard to get along with a sibling. It had literally never occurred to me before.

comments: 1 bloom or plant a seed

June 16th, 2009

Current Music: The Word (The Beatles) Time: 11:57 pm

Okay, I am dumb about these things because I've never bought a car. Heeeeeelp. If you want to buy a car that's far away, how do you get there? You can't bring your old car . . . . When do you have to insure your new car? Can you drive it all the way back home from New Jersey or Virginia without insurance? How much of a hassle is it to go out of state for a new new-to-you car? I'm sure I'll think of more as soon as I hit "Post to redlily."

comments: 6 blooms or plant a seed

Current Music: Caring Is Creepy (The Shins) Time: 12:11 am Current Mood: drained

Let's see. In the week since I've turned 25, I've buried my grandfather; my best friend from childhood set the date for her wedding; and one of my best friends from college got engaged. I know I said I was ready for the next big adventure, but did you have to bumrush me like that, Universe??

comments: plant a seed

June 13th, 2009

Current Music: The Way It Is (Bruce Hornsby) Time: 01:30 pm Current Mood: sad

Rather than try to put into words the sudden onrush of grief I've been hit with, having just found out that my beloved, ridiculous, mouthy, grouchy, loving grandfather died last night, I offer what I believe is one of my funniest entries ever, a conversation with aschill about him. It happened last year at Thanksgiving, and here's the link. Needless to say, I'll be out of commission for a couple days.

comments: 6 blooms or plant a seed

Current Music: Stop! (The Bens) Time: 01:15 am Current Mood: sleepy

I've been thinking a lot about the equality and quality of education -- not just in America, not just currently, but everywhere, across the past several hundred years. It's a thought process that has two parents: reading The Unfinished Game, a book about the mathematical correspondence and achievements of Blaise Pascal and Pierre de Fermat; and watching deaf culture videos for my ASL 3 class. We watched a video in class recently about Dummy Hoy, the best deaf professional baseball player, and one of the best early players of the game, period. Though the video was largely wretched (horrible acting, low production values, unforgivable pacing), it occurred to me at some point during the video that this guy was smart. He'd gone to deaf school, which at that time meant vocational school, where he learned to be a cobbler, but just learning a few anecdotes about the man is enough to convince you that he was way too smart to fix shoes for a lifetime. Thankfully, outstanding athletic ability saved him from that fate, but without it, he no doubt would have been stuck in that life. And then I started thinking about all the kids who'd been born deaf since the advent of widespread education who simply hadn't gotten the benefit of that education. And then I started thinking about all the women who hadn't gotten it either. And then the non-white people . . . and so on, and so forth. Meanwhile, I'm reading The Unfinished Game, marveling at the achievements of Pascal and Fermat, and the fundamental truth strikes me: if you truly believe that the only mental giants born since the modern, disciplined study of math and science began have been able-bodied males of European descent, you are an idiot. There is nothing about having white skin, or being able to do any number of physical things, or sporting a Y chromosome, that made our scientific heroes smarter than people without those attributes. It just meant that they got educated. That's all. I know that's a very simple revelation, and I've probably had it in the past, but it's never struck me exactly in this way. For the first time, I started thinking about the woman who could've been Fermat, if only she'd had the chance. Or the deafie who could've been Mersenne. Or the slave who could've been Laplace. It's staggering to consider the sheer volume of natural talent that has fallen under the wheels of history because the children with the talent weren't considered valuable enough to educate. Are we doing better today? Most assuredly. But we're not at equality, not by a long shot. Poor kids go to shitty schools. Girls are socialized (by peers and teachers alike) to underperform in math and science. Kids who need atypical educational aids of any kind are well served only in the best-funded districts. I don't know what the answers are. I don't know how to fix the educational system. All I know is, I'm a selfish mathematician. I want all the talent fostered and nurtured and allowed to bloom, because that means my field is enriched as quickly and fully as possible. I want more for everyone. That's all.

comments: 5 blooms or plant a seed

June 9th, 2009

Current Music: All Around the World or The Myth of Fingerprints (Paul Simon) Time: 11:53 pm Current Mood: calm

Twenty-four was an interesting year, and I'd say a good one overall. It had its highs (traveling to Australia and Disney World, falling in love again, doing good work and making a home at my workplace) and its lows (Mom in the hospital, Dad in the hospital, me diagnosed with diabeetus, getting my heart broken), but I think I can feel myself growing up. I like the person I've become, much more than I ever liked my high-school-era self. With a quarter-century behind me, it's hard not to think about the next twenty-five years. I have hope and ambition and confidence; I'm also plagued by fear and doubt like anyone else. Reflection will bring that out right quick. I guess all I want to say is, Thank you, Universe, for the past year. I appreciate it more than I can say. I'm ready for whatever the next big adventure is.

comments: 1 bloom or plant a seed

June 8th, 2009

Current Music: Since I Lost My Baby (Michael McDonald) Time: 11:45 pm Current Mood: content

Should you wish to reach me tomorrow for some reason (I can't imagine what), it is my sad duty to inform you that I almost certainly will not pick up the phone, unless you've got the timing of an officer at the U.S. Naval Observatory. I'll be unreachable at work all day, and then I'll be in ASL class from 6 to 10. If you stay awake that late, you can try me then, but no promises. This year, my voicemail's got plenty of room, so do leave me a message!!

comments: 1 bloom or plant a seed

June 7th, 2009

Current Music: Scarborough Fair/Canticle (Simon & Garfunkel) Time: 11:59 am Current Mood: busy

List of goodies I am making to lure everyone to the cafeteria on Tuesday to celebrate my birthday chocolate-chip cookies spice cookies brownies Boston cream cake Rice Krispie treats banana bread I don't foresee anything being vegan, though I might be persuaded to make the banana bread vegan if someone who's vegan promises to come on Tuesday. (It'll be lunchtime-ish, in the main building.) Also, I think I'll triple the chocolate-chip cookie recipe so I can bring some to the picnic on Friday. More of a note to self than anything.

comments: 2 blooms or plant a seed

June 6th, 2009

Current Music: Killer Queen (Queen) Time: 11:45 pm Current Mood: aggravated

Dear Pixar: I get it. Fathers are important. In the absence of fathers, father figures are really important. I learned this from you first in Monsters, Inc., in which Sulley is Boo's father figure from the moment she comes through her door into Monstropolis. You hammered it home in your next film, Finding Nemo, which is entirely about a father/son relationship. Then, in case I'd forgotten, your next movie, The Incredibles, was about a father learning how to relate with his family. (This happens to be my favorite film of yours, or maybe it's tied with WALL-E -- the one film of yours since 2001 with no obvious father figure.) In Cars, your next venture, Doc Hudson was the grounded father figure for the adult but irresponsible Lightning McQueen. Ratatouille featured a young boy and his rat friend venturing into the world of French cuisine . . . aided always by the floating, jolly spirit of the boy's father. Now there's Up. Up was great -- beautifully written and acted as usual. It also managed to fail the Bechdel test so spectacularly, I think even Toy Story (a movie about a bunch of male toys owned by a boy, one of which is stolen by a different boy, but then rescued by the male toys) outdoes it in sheer number of female characters. (Let's see. Up has one, or maybe two if you're EXTRAORDINARILY generous. Toy Story has Bo Peep, Mom, and Molly. Uh-huh.) Up is, again, about the importance of father/child (particularly father/son) relationships. Gosh, Pixar, what a reach!! I'm sure the men who wrote the script and the men who produced it and the men who directed it had to really strain their brains to imagine how to create this father/son dynamic. Here's my question -- what the hell did your mothers do to you that you absolutely cannot touch them with a ten-foot pole? "Mom" in the Toy Story films is never seen -- only heard -- by the viewer. Nemo's mom is summarily devoured in the movie's opening scene. There are no mothers in any other Pixar film, with the exception of Helen Parr/Elastigirl in The Incredibles -- who is, not coincidentally, the best female character in all of Pixar's movies. Also (I believe) not coincidentally, The Incredibles was the first Pixar film to be headed by someone who hasn't been intimately involved with Pixar since Day One. Apparently Brad Bird's mom was nice to him or something. Pixar. Please. You make amazing films that transcend the animation genre. So get your fucking acts together and a) hire some women in positions of real power (e.g. writer, producer, director); and b) give us mothers we can look up to the way we look up to Sulley or Marlin or Carl Fredricksen. (You seem, to your credit, to have taken care of Part A. But that's one out of fourteen films, if you count all the upcoming features.) Make me unashamed to be a Pixar-loving feminist.

comments: 30 blooms or plant a seed

Current Music: Clair de Lune (Debussy) Time: 10:58 pm Current Mood: mischievous

Today's SMS conversation between me and duckslikerain: Me: What. The. Fuck. ----------------------------------- Bri: Oh my shit. these are my life now. ----------------------------------- (In case you are fortunate enough to not understand Bri's response, you may watch this for edification.)

comments: plant a seed

Current Music: Here Comes the Sun (Richie Havens) Time: 12:34 am Current Mood: tired

I had two amazing brushes with celebrity (of a sort, anyway) this evening, and I had to share. First was an British woman named Gill who, it turned out, was the wife of Cliff Cocks, one of the most talented cryptographers of the past thirty years. This is how our conversation went: Her: Hello, I'm Gill, Cliff Cocks' wife. Me: Wow. You're -- wow. I just -- wow. Her: Are people in awe of him? Me: Yes!! Her: You should see him try to put up a shelf. She was so sweet and kind, even through my incoherent ramblings. Also, perhaps I should have qualified my "Yes!!" -- most people aren't in awe of him. Most people aren't aware of his existence. But anyone who's read Simon Singh's The Code Book knows better. (Read it! So good!) The second brush was secondhand. I was talking with a colleague about blogging, and this conversation ensued: Him: My wife just got into blogging; she just discovered Wonkette. Me: Pshaw. Wonkette is old news. Him: Yeah, I started reading it a while back, when our neighbor got a guest slot. Me: Oh, fancy! That's a tough gig to land! Him: Well, he's got a really well-known blog -- it's called the Comics Curmudgeon. Me: YOUR NEIGHBOR IS JOSH FRUHLINGER?!? Him: Yeah, Josh and Amber! (extends hand) You can shake the hand that shook Josh's hand. Me: (does so) I LOVE THAT BLOG. I've been reading it, literally, since Post One. Him: Oh, we'll have to arrange something so you can meet him. I sort of doubt this will happen -- I don't know this colleague that well at all, and it would be a tad awkward to come to a soiree at his house just to hobnob with the Comics Curmudgeon. BUT STILL. YOU GUYS.

comments: plant a seed

May 28th, 2009

Current Music: Love Is a Losing Game (Amy Winehouse) Time: 11:24 pm Current Mood: sleepy

What I'm watching: A series that aired on Nickelodeon, of all networks, between 2005 and 2008. It's called Avatar: The Last Airbender, and it's roughly seventy times better than it has any right to be. I'm not an anime fan -- I've never watched it, with the I-was-twelve exception of Pokemon, and the I'm-a-snob exception of a few Miyazaki films. And I don't know if you can properly call Avatar anime; it's more a blend of anime with Western animation. Anyway, it hardly matters: it's got better plot and characters than nearly any other TV show I've ever seen, animated or live action. It's set in the kind of world fantasy writers try -- and mostly fail -- to create. It's insanely nuanced, especially for something that was supposedly for kids. There's no black and white. The good guys do bad, stupid stuff. The bad guys aren't all bad. (But it's not random -- the series regulars' actions are always character-driven.) I'm telling you, watch it. And if it seems slow at first, trust me when I say that it gets better with every episode. ~~~ What I'm listening to: I just bought the two Kanye West albums I didn't already own, The College Dropout (his first album) and 808s and Heartbreak (his latest). There's this huge divide between Kanye's first three albums (the College Trilogy, I'll call them) and his fourth, Heartbreak. The College Trilogy is sheer cockiness in the form of exuberant, rap-driven hip-hop. His lyrical brilliance is always front and center. (The man is ego personified, but you know what? He really is an amazing lyricist.) Heartbreak, on the other hand, borrows from R&B and the sounds of electronic music to produce a more melodic, but way more angsty (and way less cocky) record. The breezy wordplay is replaced by confessional lyrics. The College Trilogy is also very concerned with national issues, primarily racism and its fruits, whereas Heartbreak is entirely about small-scale, personal problems. And you know what? I dig it. I don't think this is a popular opinion, but it's perfect listening for a certain type of bitter mood. It's not my favorite album of his -- I think Graduation will always hold that place in my heart -- but I appreciate the departure from formula. Oh, I mentioned I also bought the first album in the College Trilogy. Yeah, I like it, though it's fairly indistinguishable from Late Registration. The one thing I appreciate is that there are more women artists on Dropout -- by the time we hit Heartbreak, he has completely eschewed hiring female collaborators, which is a damn shame. My cynical assumption is that as he achieved superstar status, he got the privilege of choosing whomever he wanted for his records, and he just doesn't want women. I hope I'm wrong; I want more songs in the future like "All Falls Down." ~~~ What I'm doing: This weekend is packed -- dinner at a friend's house and ASL poetry slam tomorrow night; seeing freedomkiss Saturday morning, my friend's son's birthday party Saturday afternoon, a friend's random party Saturday night; shopping on Sunday. (Also I need a haircut.) In the longer term, ASL 3 starts next Tuesday. It's four hours a night, two nights a week, for six weeks. I have the feeling it's going to be an unholy amount of work. But I'm looking forward to it. As Amy Winehouse said, "It's okay in the day; I'm staying busy." This will keep me busy for sure. My birthday is approaching rapidly, but I haven't felt up to planning anything. Maybe I'll push it back and celebrate later . . . ? I don't love that idea, but I also don't want to throw something together that won't gel. At some point I need to buy a car. Really. I can't keep putting it off. ~~~ How I'm feeling: Better. Almost every day is better than the one before, with a few notable exceptions. (If I thought I was totally healed, I was rudely disavowed of that notion earlier this week.) But still, I'm trying not to pick at the scab too much. I miss him, probably more as a friend now. It's hard to know whether I should look forward to a time when I'll be emotionally well enough to invite him back into my life (whether he would accept that invitation not being the issue right now). On the one hand, part of me wants us back to how we were before all of this. On the other, once all of me wants that, I'll have lost the last threads of something I really value. Tension of opposites, as always. ~~~ What I should be doing: Sleeping. Jesus. I'll do that now.

comments: 1 bloom or plant a seed

May 12th, 2009

Current Music: Break the Sky (The Hush Sound) Time: 10:38 pm Current Mood: awake

duckslikerain and I are going to Disney World tomorrow. Hooray for getting our photos taken with Lilo and Stitch and whatever other characters we run into! Hooray for riding Expedition: Everest and Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin and all the other great rides! Hooray for getting me out of Maryland, where there seems to be a Boyfriend-shaped hole in everything no matter what I do! Hooray for uninterrupted, undiluted Brianna/Marissa time! We've already run into a whole host of obstacles, but we will, as Tim Gunn says, MAKE IT WORK.

comments: 1 bloom or plant a seed

May 7th, 2009

Current Music: In Another Life (Vienna Teng) Time: 10:27 pm Current Mood: curious

I made it over to CCBC today, which is not the community college for my county, but is the home of the one ASL interpreter program in the entire state of Maryland. (This is a fact that continues to baffle me. Thanks to the presence of Gallaudet and other institutions, Maryland has a sizable Deaf contingent. But only one interpreter program.) Because it is the one program in all of Maryland, all Maryland residents pay in-county tuition. Which means I could continue my ASL education there without breaking the bank. My two goals at CCBC today were 1) to go through an ASL screening that would determine which level I'd be placed into, and 2) to attend an information session about the Interpreter Preparation program. The screening came first. I expected the worst, having heard frightening things from old ASL classmates, but it was as easy as pie. He asked me very basic questions about my job, my family, my house -- it was like being grilled by a kindergartner. As I'd hoped, I was placed into ASL 3, which means I didn't lose any ground. Most of the students who go to my county's community college for ASL 1 and 2 get placed into ASL 2 at CCBC. I remember expressing my anxiety, a long time ago (certainly before we started dating), to Former Boyfriend that I would be one of those repeaters; he said, "Not if I have anything to do with it." Ah, and so he did. I'll start ASL 3 the first week of June. It's an extremely intensive class, meeting for four hours a night, two nights a week, for one month. It'll be challenging, but also a welcome relief from the braindead hours spent watching the clock in my last class. The information session, which I attended out of a vague sort of curiosity, unexpectedly made me start seriously thinking about completing their certificate program. CCBC has their shit together, no question, so it would be a good school to attend. The class list is definitely intriguing. And heaven knows I've wanted to be fluent in this language for more than half my life. But probably most of all, I'm feeling a little adrift lately. I used to have more to do, it seems to me, and now I have all this time that I'm filling with writing these LJ posts and reading books and listening to my backlog of This American Life podcasts. I like the idea of being too busy to think. I like the idea of having a goal -- a crazy, lofty goal, at that -- and getting it done. I don't want to say I have any particular gift for Sign. I have no way of assessing that. The most culturally Deaf man I know has said as much to me, that I'm a "natural," but I think the truth lies somewhat closer to the following equation: I ensure that I get a lot of practice + I am a naturally expressive person + I learn quickly in general. Whatever the truth is, I think going through this interpreter program is an attainable goal, and hell, I might even turn out to be good at it. And it's giving me focus and drive, the perfect liferaft for the slightly disconnected dejection that has kept rising up to meet me at the oddest times this past week. In any case, that's not a decision I have to make tonight. Maybe that focus will fade away as my unhappiness does. On the other hand, there are worse reactions to heartbreak. Between a certificate program and, say, alcoholism, I think the former is generally the better bet. (Also, I can't be an alcoholic. It would interact with my diabeetus medication.)

comments: plant a seed

Current Music: Augustine (Vienna Teng) Time: 01:15 am Current Mood: calm

So it's been a week, technically, give or take 22 hours-ish. I felt like assessing, okay? Allow me to round up. ( Assessment. )

comments: 4 blooms or plant a seed

May 2nd, 2009

Current Music: Love Songs (James Taylor) Time: 01:24 am Current Mood: sleepy

I'm okay. I understand why he left. I think I saw the same things he did. I just don't know that I could have ever brought myself to weigh those things logically. Love would have always won that contest, for me. But I know that's not always the right answer. Le coeur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point. When it was good, it was the best romantic relationship I've experienced, and I'm better for having had that. Non, je ne regrette rien. (Apparently I'm incapable of talking about love without slipping into French -- which, it must be pointed out, I don't speak.) I appreciate everyone's kind messages. I doubt I'll get back to everyone, but I was very glad to hear from you all. Warms a girl's heart, doncha know?

comments: plant a seed

April 30th, 2009

Current Music: The Perfect Ending (Straylight Run) Time: 11:18 pm Current Mood: crushed

World: 2. My heart: 0. He's gone. I don't think I know two worse words in any language.

comments: 11 blooms or plant a seed

April 28th, 2009

Current Music: California (Semisonic) Time: 10:33 pm Current Mood: exhausted

Today I interpreted at Tia's son's Boy Scout Pack meeting, which was a totally different environment from the Girl Scout meetings I'd been to. It was an auditorium with forty people in it, easily, kids and parents alike. Instead of sitting with kids on the carpet, I was up in front of anyone. On the other hand, there was no fuss made about me, and the kids didn't interrupt or question me. So it wasn't really any easier or harder. It continues to be much harder for me to voice for Tia than to sign what's being said. Now, when a person is speaking aloud, I have to simplify things enormously, and I often lose a whole helluva lot in the translation just to keep up with the speed. (It takes actual training, not to mention better signing skills and a bigger vocabulary, to be able to keep up and not lose too much information.) But when Tia is speaking, I need to get everything she's saying precisely. And I make mistakes. Constantly. Like, for instance, this evening, when she was trying to explain to a den leader that she'd tried to sign her son up for Boy Scout camp. As it happens, the signs for NOT YET and LATE are identical. So I voiced, "I tried to sign my son up for summer camp, but they said I couldn't yet," when in fact she meant, "I tried to sign my son up for summer camp, but they said I couldn't, it was too late." A few sentences later, when she said, "I missed the deadline," I realized my error, but voicing incorrectly is really problematic. First of all, I feel embarrassed and inadequate, but that's really the least of it. The hearing people I've had to interact with on Tia's behalf have mostly been . . . impatient. They all seem to want to escape conversations with her (and me). Not all of them, but most. So when I voice incorrectly, it just adds to their impatience and frustration. (Whereas, if I'm signing to Tia, and I just can't keep up, or I make a mistake, she corrects me very gently, and usually teaches me a new sign in the process. Today I learned WHALE and SHARK.) I don't think people are clear, either, that it's my mistake, not Tia's. So Tia is trying to get information out of someone, and I'm making it harder on her. It totally sucks. That being said, Tia's mom and dad came to the Boy Scout meeting today, and when Tia introduced me to her mom, she said very proudly, "Marissa was my student, and now she's helping me out with this!" So even though I'm woefully deficient, Tia's proud of me, which has to count for something.

comments: plant a seed

All Marissa, All the Time. View: Recent Entries. View: Archive. View: Friends. View: User Info. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries